I don’t talk a lot about it, but I struggle with anxiety problems. It comes and it goes, and some months are better than others. But there are days where it’s difficult to get things done, and the idea of doing anything fills me with dread. There’s a little monster in my head, whispering all the things I should be worried about, and all the ways I could get hurt. Most of the time I can work through it, but lately it really has been a struggle. Part of it is being in a new area where I don’t know anyone. Part of it is being unemployed. Part of it is just my brain, going into its default mode of “something must be terribly wrong.”
Today, instead of letting my bad feelings get the best of me, I went out. I got in the car, I drove to the park, and I went for a long walk by the river. The (finally) warm spring air, the smell of the water, the excitement of walking in a place I’ve never been before… it was a great walk. For a while, I forgot about my worries and simply relaxed.
I like to think my writing and my life is richer because of my anxiety. I know it’s something I’m going to be dealing with for the rest of my life, and I don’t like to think of it as a burden. I wouldn’t be who I am without it, and most of the time I really like who I am. The moments, days, and months when the anxiety clears and I’m able to relax are that much sweeter.
I don’t know if I would call today a good day, but it was a day I overcame the little monster. It was a step in the right direction, towards a day, or a month, without anxiety ruling my life. Today, I have so much to look forward to.